Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in dharmabum2113's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
9:58 pm	23 May 2007 My life could play out as a soap opera, and it would be very, very interesting. It has a lot of drama, and I never, ever have a lot of drama.  I have been learning a lot from a lot of experiences lately, and each one leaves me with a bitter aftertaste, though sometimes it's just the slightest bit sweet as well. After every cigarette I smoke, I can taste my lover.  I love that feeling.  He doesn't want me smoking, I know, but he can't stop me. I gave up one addiction for another.  It's these... chemicals... I traded it for flesh, and I don't regret that a bit.  I don't know if you want to hear this, but we've had sex basically every day since we started dating. Don't think we're only in it for that. We talk a lot as well.  We are polar opposites, a perfect yin yang.  Unity.  Balance.  Perfection.  I never saw myself with someone like him, and I'm sure the opposite is true.  I'm exhausted. He is exhausted.  We still spend hours on the phone, talking about nothing, getting to know each other better... I hope this lasts forever, and it's been about five days. After the weekend drama, it is nice to unwind with familiar faces. Kate is in the mix; Kate is a familiar face with a familiar aura. I can't give up our friendship.  I can't bring myself to be that mean.  But Tex... I keep trying to call him, and he never picks up.  I keep telling him to call me back, and he never does.  I'm getting tired of trying.  If he doesn't want to be friends, then okay.  Maybe I don't want to be, either.  I just want him to hear what I have to say, in its entirety.  After that, I want to cry, and only after that has happened will I feel better.  I have this little... knot.  It's like a ball of darkness sitting in my heart, and the only way to resolve it is to unwind on the person that deserves it.  As awful as that sounds, that is the truth. (Comment on this)
9:57 pm	I can't believe that it's been an entire month since I last updated my Live Journal. Much has happened in my life, and as much as I want to say everything, I can't remember much. I have, however, been keeping a smaller, handwritten journal so I'll post that as long as no one knows how to find me. :) Maybe just some exerpts, something to that effect. As long as none of the people I know find me--and I haven't told anyone that I have a Live Journal--I will be safe. I can just delete the old stuff as soon as I start getting found, though, no worries. Anyway. School ended; I owe another sixty bucks before I get my grades. I'll get it paid. That's not a problem. My check comes in this week, so I'm not too concerned about it.  I think I did well. I HOPE I did well.. lol...  Um.  I think so at least.  My keyboard is all messed up, and I'm not sure why.  But I'll deal with it--random thought.  I need to get my French horn from Mt. Pleasant SERIOUSLY bad, and I'm going back FRIDAY morning whether I remember or want to or not.  I need to have my septum checked on anyway; the ring fell out, and I want to put it back in, kinda.  I've been working forty hours a week, so it's hard to find time to go down there adn get it taken care of. At work, there is a new boy.  His name is Jonah. He is a waiter, and he is beautiful.  The first time I saw him, I thought he was a friend of Tim's.  He looks about 20.  He's 17.  The first time I saw him, I thought he was cute.  He asked for Tim, but Tim wasn't there.  When my boss finally showed up, they talked, but he left soon after.  The next week, he was working.  We spent three days flirting shamelessly, and now we're together.  I'm totally attached to him; I gifted him my virginity.  He doesn't know that, but it's okay. I'm not worried about it.  He's a racer, so we'll be going to the races a lot. :) I'm afraid that I'm going to lose him, and it's been three days. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, today.  Four.  He doesn't want me to be smoking anything.  I smoke pot, and I smoke cigarettes. I know that he wants me to quit both, but he doesn't know I smoke cigarettes.  He wouldn't like it if he found out...  I thought it would be okay to go out and get fucked up without weed, but I just felt like shit the entire time.  He called me, and I tried to answer the phone, but I just... couldn't.  As soon as I picked up the phone, I threw it on the ground and threw up.  It went through to voice mail.  He didn't leave a message, but he did leave a text that said, "Why do you like me?"  I couldn't respond because I was throwing up.  Today, I left him a voice mail that said my phone died. A lie. I hate lying.  But if he knew what I was doing, he would be so mad. At least this way, he won't, and he won't have to worry about me ever doing anything like that ever again. I will never forgive myself; not only do I hate lying, but I had to lie to someone I am very attached to, and I don't want to lie so early in a relationship.  I know that it really doesn't matter (by the end of this relationship I am going to be straight edge again, minus sex. UGH), but I don't want to lose his trust, or do anything to jeapordize his trust.  So nothing more for me.  And that's fine. I have picked up many bad habits. Kate and Tex had sex. Tex is an ex; we split for distance, so when we split, we both still REALLY liked each other.  Sure, I got over it, but a part of me still fell in love with him just the same.  I'm okay with it now, but I think that if they get together, I won't be able to take it.  It'll eat me apart, even though I have a Jonah, even though I shouldn't worry about it.  It's just that he's my ex, and she's my best friend.  Isn't there some sort of unwritten rule that you never date your ex's friends?  I wouldn't date his friends; why is he trying to get with mine?  It hurts. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 30th, 2007
10:36 pm	30 April 2007 My brain is pounding against my skull in what could quite possibly be one of the worst migraines known to the history of mankind.  It feels like my head is stuck between a press, and the plates are coming down--smack on my head.  Squeezing it together. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I think that I'm in love with my best friend.  Think of it this way.  We almost dated last year, about this time.  We've had our share of fights, and humans seem to want us apart--as nature seems to want us together.  She's got her own plans for us, Mother Nature.  I don't know quite what yet, but I think that time will see us together.  He has a girlfriend right now.  I dislike her.  His family dislikes her, from what I found out.  She seems to me to be a bit of a slut, and she treats her family as if they can be easily thrown away.  I don't understand her at all, and I'm pretty sure that since I don't get her, he doesn't, either.  It's got to be the sex that keeps him close.  I sound a bit bitter and resentful right now, but... I don't know. I'm trying to be a good friend to him. But when I can't talk to him because she's always with her, I get annoyed.  I haven't seen/heard from him in over two months, and I'm completely different. I'm a completely different person than the sister he's used to.  He will have a hard time adjusting.  I wonder if it would hit him hard if I said I changed, but he didn't notice.  I have been changing, and everyone has been changing.  But he's too far into his girlfriend's vagina to even notice.  I think he would probably throw me out of a window. I'm not kidding.  I don't want to see them apart because of what it would do to him, but at the same time, I want him for myself.  I know it would make me happy, and I don't know if it would make him happy.  It's hard to keep my distance, sometimes. I want to get out on a walk to forget about all this.  My lower back keeps having these horrible pains, and I just hope it goes away soon.  I am just achy all over... Plus I'm warm because of a sunburn that I got today.  My phone charger is at home, and I'm at college.  I think I'm just going to shake my hair out and go to bed.  Maybe take a nice, long shower tomorrow morning. :) Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 29th, 2007
12:54 pm	29 April 2007 I think I missed yesterday, but that was for good reason.  It was a weekend.  I am a slight pothead.  It all works out in the end. :)  The past few nights, actually, have been really good.  Friday night, I didn't have to work.  I did have a test really early the next morning, but... that's okay. What did I do on Friday . . .   Oh, that's right. I came to Washington, got some gas money from my dad, and called Kate.  Kate and I got together after I did some laundry; in town, we found Danii and Tara.  We consolidated down to my car, went to my house, and smoked off my roof, watching the sun set.  We watched a movie, then went back into town.  Danii and Tara left; Kate and I sat on the square and watched movies and talked.  Lauren called, so we got Lauren and this kid who was following her around.  Some kid named Casey called, and we went and smoked it up in his apartment.    It was fun, though I was on edge because I didn't know the people.  Eventually, I vegged out and listened to my iPod.  I took Kate home, went home, and went to bed. I woke up for my test at 5am, did another load of laundry, packed what I needed for this week, and left my house.  The test went well (see previous blog), and work sucked fiarly efficiently.  :(  I left three hours early, and only made twenty bucks.  Shitty...  I went to Washing-town, chilled with Spike.  Danii came, then Jayk came, and we all hung out and drew on the picnic table.  My drawing's pretty sweet, and so is my poem.  It talks about getting to Gwynfydd, which is the realm beyond this one.  It's pretty sweet.  We left for Danii's house, and met up with Luke and Nathan.  I started a party.  Hell yeah.  After chilling for a few minutes, Sean called.  He came and got me from Wayland, took me back to Wayland to pick up some stuff I'd left at a friend's house, and then dropped me off back in Washing-town.  Kate, Danii, my brother, and I went on the route, got blown, and came back.  We ended up going to Brighton so Danii could get some, but she didn't even get any.  We went back to Washington, watched Blade, and fell asleep. Today. Wake and bake.  We went out, came back. I dropped Kate off.  And now I'm here in Mt. Pleasant.  I have to study for a final as soon as I get done with my hair, and then I'm going to DDR it up for real. :D (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 28th, 2007
8:51 am	28 April 2007 My English professor thinks I am going to be a famous writer.  Why wouldn't I be?  It's in my blood.  My great grandmother was a published writer, and my whole family has a knack for it.  This doesn't make me better than the rest of my family... does it? This leads me to many thoughts.  Why do I write? What is the purpose of it?  Most of the things that I do write never end up anywhere important; I keep 98% of my writing to myself.  I'm afraid to show it, afraid that people won't like it.  I write to make people feel.  If I cannot make people feel, then how am I supposed to communicate with them?  I can tell them stories to make them laugh, but sometimes laughter is not what I want them to feel.  I make them feel through my writing.  Pieces of my mind that help to gain my perspective.  I want to make you feel everything at once.  I want to make you feel everything at once, but I can't do it through spoken word. Do I talk about the issues? No. Politics scare me.  It's a bunch of rich men in suits that could have me destroyed should I interfere with them.  I choose a neutral stance, but listen patiently to both sides argue. And bicker. I would rather be an outsider than be in the middle of a firefight.  I'm afraid of flames, and of getting burned. I want to talk about what makes me feel, and try to make you feel it, too.  I want you to understand the way my mind works because understanding is the key to friendship.  My poetry is very free-form because of that.  I just want you to see it, and maybe tell me what you FEEL. I haven't written any poetry for my Live Journal yet, but I will post some older stuff here so that you can see it.  I really want this to be a blog where I talk about my feelings and emotion--to vent--but sometimes that venting takes the form of poetry.  You can tell, sometimes, by the addition of single words and phrases that I am a poet.  I isolate lines and phrases for more insight and influence.  Don't think I'm the world's best writer.  This is just why I write, and a big brag on myself, unfortunately.  Honestly, when you read my work, you will understand that I am not a very good writer, but I am always learning to write through what others have to tell me.  I improve based on the approval of others, and I like that.  I like getting criticism for my work. My great grandmother, an accomplished local writer, died a few years ago.  You know what she told me?  "Don't make decisions to please people.  Make decisions to please you, and never forget to write them down.  Always write; others need to feel as you feel.  Others need to feel in general, and you can help them do that."  You know what she told everyone else?  "I will be preparing a place for you beside me."  She gave me advice on how to live my life; she gave others a piece of comforting news. I never got the chance to tell Great Grandma that I appreciated her words of wisdom because I didn't know what she meant. But more and more, I'm beginning to see it. I want to help people to see what it means to be alive, and to see what it means to take Robert Frost's "Road Not Taken."  I may not be the best versed in poetry; indeed, I am a music major.  That's just minor.  Great Grandma was a pharmacist, or something of the like.  I wish she was still here for guidance, but all I can do is continue to write, continue to make others feel, and hopefully I am doing the right thing. I know I'm doing the right thing. When my journey carries me beyond this life, my path will have already been made safe by those who went before--and it will have been made very beautiful by the teachings of my great grandmother.  I am excited to see where my soul's path will lead next, but right now I am just enjoying my own life, and living it. Of course, and writing about it. :) Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: "Leonardo Dreams of His Flying Machine" by Eric Whitacre (Comment on this)
Friday, April 27th, 2007
12:58 am	26 April 07 My bank account seems to be fairly back to normal.  After it got hacked into, the bank was nice enough to take off most of the bad charges; I can't work a lot because of finals week and whatnot.  The bank has stopped sending me notices, at the least, of deficient funds.  That is, indeed, a relief.  The only explanation?  I think that my tax returns transferred through.  At least, I hope that that's what happened. Otherwise, my account is so deficient that the bank doesn't care and is just making money off of my sorry, college, 25-credit-hour, music-major ass. I have made peace with my braces at long last.  I've had them for about a month now, and it has been the most painful month of my life, no doubt.  I wrote an "Ode to Broccoli" on my My Space page, which I use for more poetic and general news purposes.  This is just a "rant blog," so to speak.  But anyway, back to the braces.  I have made peace with them.  I lost everything when they were put on; I'm a brass player.  French horn and braces are a bad combination.  French horn and most people are a bad combination, but I was a decent player!  Mr. Rod, my lessons instructor, said that I was a phenomenal player, and since he's a phenomenal player (and an even greater person), I believe him.  He honestly inspires me to work hard and to try to push my limits even higher.  When having to start over again seemed like the end of the world for me, he just told me, "So you can't play very high.  We'll work on your other weaknesses."  He gave me a whole new lessons plan, a whole new summer study guide, and just made up stuff that I can use to my benefit.  He didn't give up hope.  He just went on.  That is inspiration, to me, even if it is just his job. Finals week is getting to me, but it's slowly getting better.  My English professor died (remind me to go to my sanctuary out by Crane's Pond tomorrow to say a prayer for her safe journey onward) on Monday, so because of that, all of my classes are canceled tomorrow.  I will probably stay up for awhile finishing up some homework, and then head to bed.  Really, besides finals, my only concern right now is the funny noise that my car seems to be making.  It's nothing with the engine, and nothing with the gas, but my tires (or a part of them, excuse me for lacking technical wording) are making this god-awful scratching, grinding noise.  It just started this evening on the way back from Sean's house.  I'm not sure what is going on, but I do know that the noise scares me. I limped my car back to Mt. Pleasant, and will call my dad for help in the morning.  I have to work tomorrow night, and I have a final at the crack of dawn on Saturday (so help me god, I will pass it!).  It's hard for my family to make ends meet, especially with the new business and all, but I'm sure that Dad and I can work something out... I just read a really inspiring piece of writing by a friend of mine on Deviant Art (I'm a lurker, not an artist, but if you want my user name there, I will link you to my gallery), and I just saw the movie Eragon.  I'm feeling quite epic tonight, so I might just write a piece in a new entry, or something to that effect. Current Mood: Epic (Comment on this)